Most arguments or disagreements stem from having different BELIEFS. Here’s what usually happens--someone tries to convince you of his/her belief, then you try to convince him/her of your belief, then they try harder to convince you of their belief, then you try harder to convince them, and you both walk away angry, nothing solved OR you both end up in a heated debate until you’re blue in the face and then you vow never to see that person again because they are obviously “wrong!”

So how do we get to the place where we can honor all beliefs and not argue or defend our beliefs?

First, we have to take a look at what a “belief” really is. Webster defines a belief as “Something believed or accepted as true.” The interesting thing about this definition is that what may be “true” for you may not be “true” for me. Our beliefs are based on our current reality and are really VALUES based on our background, culture, upbringing or personal preferences.

For example, I may have a belief that chocolate cake is the best dessert in the world. Now that does not make me right or wrong, that is just my belief.

On the other hand, you may have a belief that Carrot Cake is the best dessert in the world. Or you may have a belief that fruit is the best dessert in the world because it’s the healthiest. Again, that doesn’t make you right or wrong, it is just your belief.

Now you can show me ALL the studies and statistics in the world that PROVE to me that fruit is the best dessert but you most likely will not get me to change my mind. Let’s face it, I just like chocolate cake!

We can go back and forth and argue until we’re both blue in the face and you won’t convince me that fruit is the best dessert and I won’t convince you that chocolate cake is the best dessert.

The other definition of a belief is “Mental acceptance of and conviction in the truth, actuality, or validity of something.” Again, you can see this demonstrated in the differing “beliefs” about the best dessert in the previous example.

The most important thing to note is that beliefs are human constructs, they are mind based opinions. And again these are often based on our upbringing, culture or past. But again, beliefs are of the “mind.” So when you’re going up against someone with your belief you are engaging in a battle of the minds (or a battle of the ego’s). Does this solve anything?

Einstein said you can’t solve a problem from the same level of thinking that created the problem. Arguing beliefs is meeting the problem (a mental construct) on the level with another problem (another mental construct). Beliefs are based on personal opinions (or collective opinions in the area of religion, which we’ll discuss shortly.)

Anytime you have a belief, (a personal, mind-made opinion) you will ALWAYS have someone that has another opinion or belief.

So how do we move beyond the battle of the minds? The answer is to honor all beliefs. We must remind ourselves that at the level of belief we will always have differences, but that the differences aren’t right or wrong, they just are.

Again, I prefer chocolate cake and I’m sure I have many who will agree with me that chocolate cake is the best. Yet, that doesn’t make the carrot cake lovers wrong. It doesn’t make the fruit lovers wrong.

Throughout history, religious beliefs have been the area where the most arguments and feuds have occurred. War and violence have resulted from differing religious beliefs. Yet, the world is big enough for ALL kinds of beliefs and part of the process of peace-keeping is to honor and accept different beliefs. That doesn't mean we have to take on a person's beliefs as our own but that we honor them for their belief.

As mentioned earlier, a belief is a “mind constructed reality” based on personal preferences, background or culture. Again, think back to the chocolate cake analogy. In my mind, I think chocolate cake is the best dessert so that makes it real for me. But it may not be real for you.

The same goes for religious beliefs--we have taken “God” which really is an “infinite presence or being” and reduced “God” to a human, mind-made construct--a Name
(a belief). We have taken the infinite and made it finite.

Again, any time you reduce something to a level of “belief” you will ALWAYS have someone that disagrees with your belief. The differences in religion often come from the “name” we give “God.” But we are all really talking about the same “being, consciousness or presence.” We can call it “God, Allah, Mother Earth or Frank,” it does not matter.

Once we limit God to a belief system, we are bound to have others that share a different belief system. Yet we should be able to get to a point where we understand that your belief doesn’t take away from my belief and vice versa. I honor your belief and you honor my belief. It sounds so simple, yet it has baffled society for ages.

When people argue about this religion or that one I feel like saying “What if Love is our religion?” Most of the different religions tout love as the basic guiding premise, yet each religion may use different terminology, have different stories or background, etc but when reduced to it's purest basic theories they are all really about the same deep underlying message: Love.

Okay so how do we get to that place of even sharing this belief with others when they may believe something entirely different? How do we prevent arguments, feuds, disagreements, violence and war based on differing beliefs? We honor and accept all beliefs.

I was confused about religion and I remember having a conversation with a Priest on an airplane and he described the different religions as spokes on a tire and “God” as the center hub. He said that there are many paths to God just as there are many spokes on the tire. One spoke may be Judaism, one spoke may be Hinduism, one spoke may be Islam, one spoke may be Buddhism, one spoke may be Christianity, but they all lead to the center hub—“God.”

Okay, now for the practical information about “how to” honor different beliefs without arguing or defending yours.

I am reminded of a joke I heard one day about an “atheist” who was swimming in the ocean and suddenly found himself surrounded by a shark. The shark was circling him and he just knew that he was going to be eaten by the shark. In his panic and desperation he yelled out to God, “Please save me!” Then God said, “Wait a minute you’re an atheist, I didn’t think you believed in me.” The man remembered he was an atheist and said, “Good point.” The shark continued circling him and approached him with open jaws. The man said, “I don’t believe in you, but make the shark believe in you.” Just as the shark was getting ready to “chomp” on the man the shark stopped and backed away and said, “Dear Lord, thank you for this meal in which I am about to receive.”

This is a funny story, and I don't mention it to make fun of any belief but to illustrate our natural tendency to want “other people” to conform to OUR beliefs. And yet what happens when we do this? We usually get eaten anyway, metaphorically.

So what do we do? How do we prevent an argument? What do we say to someone who is coming at us with their beliefs, especially if they differ from ours?

I learned the FOUR most important words to say to someone when you don’t understand where they are coming from and you want to avoid an argument. Do you want to know what those four words are?

These four words put an end to arguing. They allow someone to express their beliefs without you having to defend or argue yours. If you sincerely say, “Thank you for sharing,” and then move on, you will have avoided an argument. What sense does it make to argue with someone when you know that you will not change their beliefs and they will not change yours? Just accept that they have a particular belief and that you have a particular belief, and know that no one is right or wrong, and move on...

The world is big enough for all kinds of beliefs and it’s not about who’s right or wrong, but about moving beyond our differences and getting to that place where we can peacefully coexist.

© 2005 Lisa Hepner. Article excerpted from Lisa Hepner's forthcoming book titled, "All I ever needed to know about Peace, I learned from a Rubberband."

Lisa Hepner is the author and compiler of Peaceful Earth: Spiritual Perspectives on Inner Peace & World Peace. Hepner is the founder of the Peaceful Earth Website and contents. Hepner is the creator of the Peace Prizes, Peace Movies, Magazine, Ecourse and Ebooks featured on the website www.peacefulearth.com. Lisa Hepner is also a public speaker and screenwriter.

Lisa Hepner is completing her second book titled, "All I ever needed to know about Peace, I learned from a rubberband." Expected release date Jan 2006. To receive notification when this book becomes available please go to the website at www.peacefulearth.com and sign up to receive this magazine and updates. Note: If you received this magazine directly from us, you're already on the list...!